Adventures of the Little Green Man
by TrinityTheSheDevil
Summary: A challenge made to me by Zimbing. Insanity! Reviews are much welcome.


Disclaimer: I don't own them, so don't sue me.  
  
This is a er....twisted fic. LOL. It is a challenge made to me by Zimbing. The challenge had to have naked harper, squeaking, chocolate, leather hand cuffs, aspirin, and a banana. *cough* Enjoy!  
  
  
  
  
It had been a hard day for one Seamus Harper. He spent all day fixing every little thing that seemed to go wrong. Stepping into the bathroom, he stripped out of his shirt, noting the grease marks across his chest.   
  
'How did I get grease UNDER my shirt?!' Harper shook his head. He reached down and pulled off his boots and socks. He was absolutely exhausted, and looking foward to his shower.  
  
He tugged off his pants and threw them towards a bucket for dirty clothes, they missed and fell on the floor. 'Ah forget it. To tired anyway.'  
  
He finally stripped out of his boxers and climbed under the spray of the shower. Closing his eyes, he held his head back and let the water cascade over him.  
  
He finally tugged his eyes open and looked down at himself. He was.....GREEN?!  
  
"AAHHH!!" Harper jumped out of the shower, and frantically rubbed at the green water. It wasn't coming out.  
  
"Andromeda, what's wrong with the water?!" Harper yelped.  
  
"I told you I was cleaning the water tanks today Harper. And that you SHOULDN'T take a shower or you'll get the cleaning solution all over you." The holo Andromeda rolled her eyes.  
  
"Great. How do I get it off?" He looked into the mirror at his green self. Then down. At his...COMPLETELY GREEN SELF!   
  
"You can't. It has to wear off Harper." Andromeda snickered ever so slightly.  
  
Harper glared. This was perfect. Absolutely perfect!   
  
Walking back into his bedroom, nude, Harper reached his closet and dresser and started pulling out clothes.  
  
"New fashion statement?"  
  
Harper jumped and sqeaked, then grabbed his shirt to cover himself.  
  
"BEKA! What are you doing here?!" Harper said...turning red.   
  
"Looking for you. Umm....you're green." Beka stiffled a laugh.  
  
"No shit, Sherlock. Figure that out by yourself?" Harper edged his way to the bathroom again.  
  
"No need to be rude Harper." Beka pouted, putting her hands on her hips.   
  
"Sorry. I just had a bad day, ok? Now, will you please leave so I can get dressed?" Harper pointed to the door.   
  
"Oh, yeah, sorry!" Beka averted her eyes and made a quick escape.  
  
Harper turned back and looked in the mirror.   
  
"I'm green. A little green martian." He looked down again.   
  
"Why does that have to be green?!?!?!" He whined, and wacked his head on the wall.  
  
"HARPER! Get to Command! We're being fired on!" Came Dylan's voice from the intercomm.  
  
"What? You gotta be kidding me!" Harper hurriedly pulled on a pair of pants and a shirt. He ran to Command barefoot.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
The crew of Andromeda watched as Harper slid in Command in nothing but a pair of pants and shirt. And he was completely green.  
  
Everyone snickered as Harper took up his spot behind the console.  
  
"Yeah, har dee har har. Everyone laugh at poor green Harper."   
  
"So.......is EVERYTHING green?" Tyr covered his mouth with his hand, hiding his laughter. It didn't work completely, you could see his shoulders shaking with barely contained giggles.  
  
Harper just glared at the resident Neitzschean.  
  
The ship rocked with the missile barrage being thrown at it.   
  
"Andromeda, try to hail them." Dylan held on, trying not to fall on his ass.  
  
"They're not accepting hails."   
  
The power suddenly went completely out. All the console lights fizzed out of exsitence.  
  
"Andromeda! What happened?!"   
  
They've hit us with some crippler. All power has been cut, engines no longer function. Scanning for enemy ships manually........they're boarding us!"   
  
"Tyr, Harper, Beka grab some force lances. We're gonna have to do this the hard way."   
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Having been split up, Tyr and Harper stalked quietly down one of the halls on Andromeda. Both having great night vision, they had no problem navigating.  
  
*stomp stomp*  
  
"Tyr, did you hear that?" Harper whispered.  
  
"Yes."  
  
*stomp stomp*  
  
"Sounds like someone coming this way." 'Something BIG.' Harper thought. He just hoped it wasn't any bigger than Tyr. 'Could it GET any bigger than Tyr?!'  
  
They both hid in one of the empty rooms, waiting for the creature to walk past.   
  
When it finally came into view, they held their breaths. The creature was ENORMOUS with jet black fur. What caught their eyes was the razor sharp claws connected to four massive paws.  
  
"Kill it?" Harper squeaked.  
  
Hearing the squeak, the creature turned and spotted Tyr and Harper.  
  
"APPARENTLY!" Tyr started firing on the creature. If not so deadly, it'd be beautiful.  
  
The creature swiped Tyr into a wall with the wave of an arm. Tyr slumped over, unconscious.  
  
"TYR!" Harper ran towards Tyr to help but was knocked out from behind.   
  
The creature picked Harper up in it's jaws, and carried him to the enemy ship.  
  
Having gotten what they wanted, the bad guys left, Harper in stow.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"TYR!" Beka ran over and checked Tyr's pulse. It was going strong, but he was completely knocked out.  
  
"Is he okay?" Dylan asked, looking around for Harper.  
  
"Yeah. Just out cold."  
  
Just then the power on Andromeda was restored.  
  
"Power 100% restored." Andromeda's holo popped up.  
  
"Where's Harper?"  
  
"Scanning."  
  
Andromeda paused, and got a worried look.  
  
"He's not on the Andromeda."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Harper woke up with a killer headache. Looking around, he realized he was chained to a bed, eagle spread, by leather handcuffs.  
  
He was also naked.  
  
And still completely green.  
  
He vaguely wondered if one could die from embarresment.  
  
"Ah, you're finally awake!" Came a eery voice from the other side of the room.  
  
Harper squinted trying to make out the face in the dark corner. Looking over to the other side of the bed, he saw the massive dog creature which knocked Tyr out. The dog was chewing on a milk bone, and drooling all over Harper's leg.  
  
"Impressive isn't he? I created him. All it took was a few alternated DNA strands." The person, a woman, chuckled.  
  
The dog leaned over and licked Harper from his toes to his forehead, covering him in slobber.  
  
"Oh yuck!" Harper grimaced. Not only was he green, naked, and tied to a bed, he was now covered in dog drool.  
  
He heard the woman stand up and walk towards the bed.  
  
"Now, I have bought you from your Neitzschean master. You will be my slave. But I have one question."  
  
The woman paused.  
  
"Well?" Harper asked, getting annoyed. He wondered how she bought him when he DIDN'T have a master!  
  
"Why are you green?"   
  
"Because.............I have a killer virus and it turns my skin green. I'll be dead in a few days." Harper grinned smugly. Let her think he was dying. She'd send him back to the Andromeda faster than you could say Sparky Cola.  
  
"Nonsense. I had you scanned for illness before I tied you up. Now, the truth!" Harper gulped. He wondered how he was getting outta this one.  
  
"I uhh....got sprayed with water cleaner." He mumbled.  
  
"Oh. Well, it will wear off in a few days." She walked over to the table, and picked up something.   
  
"So, as my slave, you do exactly what I tell you. Or else." She showed Harper the bottle she had picked up. It said "Hershey's Chocolate"  
  
"Soooo what are you going to do with that?" His eyes got enormous. He hoped she wasn't thinking anything kinky.  
  
"I'm going to show you what happens the first time you disobey me." She opened the cap, and sprayed chocolate all over Harper.   
  
After he was thoroughly sprayed, and had gloop and glop in places it shouldn't be, she took out a whistle. Smiling slightly, she blowed it.  
  
The giant dog jumped to attention, smelled the chocolate, and pounced on poor defenseless Harper.  
  
"AAAHHH!!! NOOOOOO!!! DOGGIE GERRRMMMSSSS!!!" Harper screamed.  
  
The dog licked every crevice on Harper, leaving not a drop of the sweet chocolate.  
  
"Now, do you see what happens if you disobey me?"  
  
"Yes Ma'm." 'But that doesn't mean I can't try to escape.' Harper thought.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Harper sighed. The evil woman had left, along with her dog. And he was still tied to the bed. Absolutely bored.  
  
He tugged at the restraints, trying to figure out just how to get loose. The cuffs were leather, so maybe he could stretch them. He tugged at them with all his strength, ripping the skin on his wrists in the process.   
  
Biting his lip, he pulled harder. Finally, his bloodied hand slipped out. Panting, he undid the other cuffs. Jumping out of the bed, he searched for his clothes. Opening a closet, Harper noticed his clothes sitting in a pile, along with his guass gun and tools. He slipped them on and peeked out the door. Not seeing anyone in the hall, he ran towards the door that led to the outside. At least he hoped it was outside. There was light shining from the bottom, so he was pretty sure it was.  
  
Just then something flew through the air and landed by his foot. Not having any time to react, he stepped on it and slipped, falling flat on his back. Sitting up, he picked up the offensive thing.   
  
'A banana peel! I slipped on a banana peel! Of all the....' Harper stood back up, and came face to face with a giant. The guy was huge. Almost bigger than Tyr.   
  
"Where do you think you're going?" The giant raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Umm......out." Harper brought his knee up in a move that would make Tyr proud, and got the guy right in the crotch.   
  
"mommie!" The guy fell over. Harper turned and raced outside, spotting a deserted ship. He quickly plugged in with his dataport and got the door open.  
  
Running in, he gunned the engines and took off.  
  
Looking below he noticed the woman who had captured him shaking her fist at him. He happily gave her the bird and turned his attention back to piloting the ship.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Dylan, we have to find him!" Beka growled. Dylan decided that saving a bunch of criminals on a ship that was currently dead in space was more important.  
  
"We will! After we get these people to safety."  
  
"PEOPLE?! These are thugs, who were put in this space prison for a reason! They can wait until we get Harper first!"   
  
Tyr watched this from the door. Dylan was being blind. Harper was more valuable to their survival than criminals. Deciding to take action, Tyr walked over and thwacked Dylan in the back of the head with a force lance, effectively knocking him out.  
  
"What did you do that for?" Beka asked.  
  
"You want to save Harper don't you?"  
  
"Yeah, sure!" Beka stepped over Dylan and headed to Command.  
  
"What do you two think you're doing?!" Andromeda's holo popped up. Looking at her downed Captain, Andromeda turned and glared at the two of them.  
  
"We're saving Harper, where your noble Captain Hunt would have him die for worthless thugs. Would you really like that to happen?"  
  
Andromeda sighed. This was going against everything she believed in. But......she had a soft spot in her database for Harper.  
  
The holo saluted to Beka, and said, "Acting Captain Beka Valentine, filling in for Captain Dylan Hunt who is incapable of giving orders."  
  
Beka smiled sweetly.   
  
"Get ready for slipstream." She said.  
  
"Beka, wait, we're recieving a hail."   
  
"From who?"  
  
"It's.......Harper."  
  
"WHAT?! Put him through!" Beka jumped out of the chair.  
  
Harpers face appeared on the screen, smiling. He was still green.  
  
"Heya boss, you don't have to worry about saving me. I saved myself, no thanks to any of you."  
  
"Harper, how did you escape?!"   
  
"A lapse on the part of the woman who supposedly bought me."  
  
"Bought you?" Harper didn't have an owner. If he did, it was definitely Beka. But Beka didn't consider Harper a slave. More like a kid brother. An extremely annoying kid brother.  
  
"That's what I'm trying to figure out. I don't even have a Neitzschean master."  
  
"Well hurry and get on the Andromeda. We have a lot to talk about."   
  
The connection was cut, and Beka turned back to Tyr.  
  
"What are we going to do about Dylan?" Tyr asked quietly.  
  
"Uh oh."   
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Dylan woke up to see Trance's face inches away from his. He jumped, knocking his head into Trance's.  
  
"ow."   
  
"Dylan are you ok?" Trance asked worriedly.  
  
"Yeah. I think I need a aspirin though. What happened?" He looked around, seeing Beka, Tyr and Harper.  
  
"Part of the ceiling fell. It hit you on the back of the head. Harper here said it was bound to fall sometime or another."  
  
"Wait. How did Harper get here? I thought he was kidnapped!" Dylan sat up. 'Am I going nuts?' He shook his head, hoping his vision would clear.  
  
"I escaped on my own boss. No sweat." Harper smiled. He liked that Tyr would knock Dylan out to save him. Even if Dylan would never find out.  
  
"That's good. What about the prison colony?"  
  
"Someone else saved them. They're being processed to another prison now."  
  
"Good, good."  
  
"I think that's enough questions for now. You should rest. And everyone else should leave." Trance leaned over and pushed Dylan back onto the bed.  
  
The rest of the crew walked out and towards Command.  
  
"So Tyr, you actually knocked Dylan o-"  
  
"No. The ceiling fell." Tyr turned to glare at Harper.  
  
"Okay, okay. I love you too man." Harper said, and stepped into the Machine Shop, locking the door.  
  
Tyr smiled. He'd get Harper back. Maybe change the water color to purple. Green just didn't suit Harper.  
  
End. 


End file.
